I was having a talk with my dad about relationships over facebook and he gave me this bit of advice.

“You know, you can’t “look for love”. You can say I want to be loved. I need to be loved. I long to be loved. But you cant say I’m going to go look for love. You don’t wake up one day and say I’m going to look for love and fall in love today. Love will find you. That’s what people usually mean when they say “it happened by accident”. The moment of opportunity opens up and if both of you equally acknowledge the moment, then love comes in to your heart. Remember the boat scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding? If you miss the moment, then the moment passes you and it’s gone. But if you seize the moment, even the most unlikely of couples become one. Ever seen a couple and wonder, “How did those two get together?” Love found them and they seized the moment.”

It seems like he always knows exactly what to tell me when I need to hear it. 

Honestly, I’m only a few months removed from my last relationship so if I’m judged for saying these things, then so be it. However, with all that I put into that relationship, at this point I feel so emotionally drained. I’d give anything, I’d give everything to feel that emotion again in the slightest. Not even that mushy school yard love, no that kind of emotion is for the youth. I want to feel truly loved again. Sure I’m loved quite a lot by my friends and family, but there’s something to those deeply rooted emotions that takes so much time to form and grow that is incomparable. I’ll be seeing that L word in all it’s phases around me tomorrow. New couples either a few months old, or those that just began that day. Old couples who have history that dates into the years. I’m not going to be bitter though. I’m happy for the love that they’ve found for themselves, no matter what stage they are at. I’m just saying, that being truly in love with another individual, completely and unconditionally, was one of the greatest feelings in my entire life. 

By society’s standards, I don’t have a lot to offer. No car to drive to see you and take you out. No money to buy you nice things. No job to even get money to achieve the aforementioned. Looks that wouldn’t stand out even in the smallest of crowds. I don’t have all these things that one might expect. 

I’m no prince charming by any means, but I’ll tell you this much. If I’ve learned anything from love, is that all of these things are passing. That I know I have much more to offer than the physical things of this world. I’ll write you letters; not corny love letters, but “hi how’s your day?” letters. I’ll sing you to sleep and watch you drift away to dreamland over the webcam. I’d give you that write our names in the sand and scream “I love this woman” to the top of my lungs kind of love. Shameless, because for a girl like you who wouldn’t want to show you to the world? Most importantly, I’ll put you first. I’ll be everything a man should be to his woman. I’d go the distance to make sure that beautiful smile stays on your face, because honestly the only thing other than a smile that belongs on that face of yours is my lips. 

Dear future someone, I hope you’re reading this, or that you’ll stumble upon this one day. And I hope that by that time, I’ve lived up to all I’ve promised you here and more. Why would I go 110% for you? Because you’ll be worth it. No questions asked. 

P.S. Disregard how awkward I am socially. It’s just a vain attempt at flirting with you, I promise.

I lost sight of the man I was becoming. Lost track of my deepest aspirations for life and love, redefining success by the now as opposed to the later. Slowly but surely everything began its downward tailspin and I watched from the ground as everything I had worked so hard to put into motion was slowly crashing down upon me. It’s not as if I hadn’t expected for this to happen, in fact many a time I had planned for the worst. But even the greatest of plans can still fail, and I clearly forgot the failsafe when it came to the construction of my life.

I was once bulletproof. The words of another would always graze me but never faze me. But somehow those words of yours, those tiny words were like the kryptonite to my Superman-like facade. Funny how when you said those words:

“I’m breaking up with you”

really became a breaking up of everything I had worked so hard to put together. And now I race against the clock. Trying to find ways to mend the broken parts, finding replacements for the parts that have been lost but just don’t seem to fit quite as well. Putting pieces back together with a glue less able to hold everything together because you were like super glue and all I’m left with is a gluestick.

The time is ticking, and it has never been in my favor. Honestly, my best attempts to repair what is already broken is an effort in vain, yet here I am still as if there is some chance. So I suppose it’s best to let this whole thing finally come crashing down as gravity takes its course upon me. And maybe then, once the ashes subside and the smoke clears, maybe then I can get some clarity of where I stand amidst the rubble, and find my way out to build something new.

I used to love the chase. I used to love the idea of falling for a stranger. I used to love the idea of being in love again. But right now, I’m sick of it all. I’m tired of trying. Tired of putting my time and effort into a girl who can’t reciprocate. I’m really just over all of it. I’ve wasted so much of my time contemplating the possibilities between another individual and myself, how compatible we might be, and if I could take her home to my mom and dad one of these days. Time spent thinking of ways I would compensate for the fact that I don’t have a car, so we’d have to find other ways to have fun on dates, despite the fact we’d probably walk everywhere. All of it seemed so damn good on paper. But as of right now, it’s all just replaying over and over like a song that’s quickly gotten old. 

Right now, I’m open to whatever may come my way. However, I’m just not in the mood to actively pursue anything or anyone. Currently focused on myself, my own well being, and my own success. Here I was thinking I could be ready to give myself to another individual, but let’s be honest, I’m far too selfish for any of that. I’ll be ready one day, and whoever you are, I hope you’ll be ready, too. But for now, I’m finally perfectly lonely. 

As a child, I was not the most “coordinated” of kids. If anything, I was pretty accident prone. My parents would always tell me: “watch your step”. And of course as most children, despite how much this mantra was drilled into my head, I never really obeyed it. I was easily excitable, my mind moving just as fast as my feet. Along the way I fell many a time, tripping easily on cracks, missing steps on stairways, getting my feet wet or dirty in puddles and mud. All of these things so easily avoidable had I only listened to my parents’ advice.

These days, I live close to my college campus, so I find myself walking quite a bit on a daily basis. On these walks, I’ve realized that going through life is much like going on a long walk. And if that’s the case, I think I’ll continue to avoid my parents’ warnings. 

Why? Well, when you constantly are watching your step through life, you find yourself looking at more dirt than anything else. Sure, you’ll be safe, but you’ll completely miss the beauty of the world around you. I prefer to keep my head looking up and in the clouds. May I stumble? Of course. However, I never let myself wander to places so far where I will be unable to get up again.

Along the way, yeah I’ll get a little bit dirty, I may accumulate bumps, cuts, and bruises. However, I’d much rather go through life’s little falls and see the world’s beauty and what may lay ahead than keeping my head down and seeing only what is at my feet.